they discovered pvl when he had a cat scan at the emergency room....when they told me that milo had periventricular leukomalacia i of course had no idea what it was. they gave me a little write up about it and said to find a neurologist...then sent us on our way. on our way home from the hospital i read the piece of paper not knowing how big this news was....it talked about a possibility of vision impairment, a possibility of cerebral palsy, a possibility of mental retardation...i immediately went into denial. i didn't want to know anything about pvl. i didn't look it up online, i didn't want to talk about it, i didn't want to think about it, i just wanted it to go away. milo was just a preemie and he was just behind but he would catch up and that's what i told myself for about a month and a half. milo's doctor at the time didn't seem too concerned about the pvl...and we couldn't get into see a neurologist for about two months, so it was pretty easy for me to just pretend like it wasnt happening.
then one night jesse was at work and milo was sleeping and i hesitantly started to look up information about pvl. it was like i opened the flood gates....i couldn't stop. i was pvl obsessed. it was very emotional...i was google searching and sobbing simultaneously. i was hit especially hard by the pvl yahoo group...as i was reading the posts written by parents my denial was forever gone. and then i started to realize things that i had never allowed myself to realize before. i realized milo couldn't really see, and i realized that milo had cerebral palsy.
for weeks my free time was spent researching and crying. although it was alot easier being in denial milo needed me to advocate for him and so i did. i became pretty familiar with the other stages of grief...but as time went on i began to heal...and im still healing.
i have my bad days and moments where i begin to cry out of the blue. i have a hard time watching little boys run around and play, and i avoid looking at pictures of my friends kids on there myspace and facebook pages...it just still feels too bitter and i feel bad about not wanting to see my friends beautiful children who they are as proud of as i am of milo....but i cant help it, its how i feel. but my good days and my good moments far outweigh the bad ones. i adore milo. he is the love of my life...i am so proud of him constantly, and every time he does something new it is so exciting and we have so much fun together...especially now that hes starting to get past the super fussiness...and i'm finally at a place where instead of feeling sad for all the things that milo might not be able to do, i'm taking it day by day and celebrating what he can do and all of his accomplishments. the dust is settling.